When you loose sombody you spend days, weeks and months contemplating on what went wrong. You search through the entirity of your memories and thoughts only to find you can't specifically pin point a certain moment where it all began to tumble rapidly downhill.
Mood, forgotten. Not only is it completly wastful to cry until your blazing eyes cannot physically produce another tear, it's also pointless, so i avoid such things. What exactly does crying help anyway? Of corse other than assisting you to feel an immense amount of self pity. What good does that do? for anyone? You need to come to the pathetically sad realization that you just painfully wasted an extensive amount of time on something that is now simply...gone. Never to blossom again and if it does will most likely fail, miserably.
Despite the issues in the relationship part of you feels entirely responsible. What if things had been different? What if i had of called more? What if i tried just that little harder? All questions that you continously ask yourself in a desperate attempt to analysis the fault. Was there a fault? Or must i come to the realization what i was giving was never going to be good enough..
The painful truth is that change is inevitable and forever isn't real. At least not in relationships. At least not at 16.. I think even though the words 'always and forever' are spoken, in the moment you say them you second guess it all. I knew forever was a ridiculous belief to have but the feeling in the very pitt of your stomach gives you hope, it makes you believe..
Always seeking more, it's the way of the world. Don't we thrive for moments of clarity, moments that give us hope and something to believe in. love, love, love. Who needs it? me? you? humanity? Of corse we do. We are programmed in a way that craves the safeness of company. Another human being to share your world with. Normal right? What is normal?
I hate hate.. Yet it's close to impossible to not feel a sence of resentment towards the very person or thing that made you feel so god damn empty. Did i do the right thing? maybe. So many things to consider.
I however can now work on the parts of my world that quietly suffered during the past 2 years of my life. I am now.. free? Free fallin. Despite the pain i've gained my youth. I feel stronger, even on my weakest of days. It gets better. I'm going to be ok. The world still turns. I get by on the new found knowledge that tommorrow is going to be easier then today. So will the next day. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
The end isn't always so horrific if you find the excellance in it..
